Day 5

Currently, it is 3 PM the next day, and I am still not hungry after my binge last night. Normally, if I was doing WW, I would have eaten this morning anyways because in the mornings I will 'eat incase I get hungry later' which is something the book doesn't recommend. I like eating before I go to work, because it does off set my hunger I believe... but if I think honestly and truly, I have ALWAYS gotten hungry at 9/10AM  at 4PM and 6PM and 11PM. Those are my natural hunger times. On weight watchers I would FORCE myself to eat at 12PM, and 6PM with a small dessert at 11PM.

The other thing I would do if I was still on WW is I would go into recovery mode. I would pack an egg salad sandwich with fat free mayo and sprouted grain bread, and super healthy things that I had no interest in eating. I would eat that... and THEN I would go to the vending machine and buy countless snickers chocolate bars and start a binge that would continue late into the evening because I already ruined the day before, so let's throw another day in. Or maybe another week... or month. I am a perfectionist, so at first ruining a meal would ruin a day for me, and eventually it would ruin a week, and then a month.

I did pack things that sound good to me today, left over pizza, a blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese, and a cinnamon bun. I am excited to eat when I am hungry again, but I am not.

This morning Erik hugged me, and said he could feel the bones in my back more, and that he thinks that I have already lost weight.

I was going to weigh myself a week into this process, but I don't think I am.
I think if I step on that scale and see a gain, I will lose faith in the process and how I look.
Before, how I felt about myself was so incredibly dependent on that number. Up 1 lb? I thought I looked fat and ugly that day. I would notice how my stomach stuck out more, or how under my chin seemed flabby. Down a lb? Well now I feel great. Wear a cute dress, put makeup jewelry and perfume on and feel amazing all day.

NOW THAT IS SERIOUSLY MESSED UP.

And I know, that those old feelings will come up. I have been giving my all to this process and working hard to break down these old connections... and that would literally change in a second if I let it. So I am bumping my weigh in to next week. And next week? I might bump it to the next. I am focusing more on the mirror, and looking to see if I can notice changes but I know the reality is it's been less than a week, so who knows where I am at.

Day 5/Meal 1 - Blueberry Bagel with Strawberry Cream Cheese

I got hungry finally around 3:45 p.m. I chose to had a blueberry bagel with strawberry cream cheese. On ww I would never justify ten points or more or whatever it is for a bagel and I would measure out the cream cheese and use light cream cheese. For this I did whatever the hell I wanted. I cut this in half to make it easy to stop at half if I got full. I ate the whole thing minus one bite to remind myself that I'm in control of the food -- that it's not in control of me. It was good -- but not epic tasting. I ate more to no longer being hungry than being full. I think I'm right in between those two. I ate at 3:45pm. Since eating, I have had slight heartburn (only feel this after overly processed carbs like donuts and bagels) and first time where I think I was still hungry. Feeling for sure hungry again at 5:30 PM - going to wait until 6 p.m. so I can enjoy the pizza I brought. 

Day 5/Meal 2 -Left over pizza

I had 2 pieces of left over pizza from Saturday night. This was delicious. This time I had 2 slices instead of 3.5 and I feel way better about that. I feel perfectly satisfied not full not hungry. I ate at 6:30 pm.

Day 5/Meal 2.5 -Timbits

These timbits were sitting at my desk since I got in at 2 pm. I didn't really want them but knew I could have them. Decided to have 2 as a little after dinner treat.
It's 8:15 PM and it's all I can do not to fall asleep. I am so tired, and yawning. Wonder if it has something to do with all the carbs.

Day 5/Meal 3 - Ben and Jerry's Caramel Hat Trick Ice cream.

I was hungry when I got home, so I sat at my table and finished the half of this pint that was left. I didn't really want to eat the entire thing, but it was good and I was emotional. I am proud of myself though because I got to eat from this pint three times before it was done, and usually I eat it in one go whether I am hungry or not. I also had a couple marshmallows; a handful of chips and a handful of caramel corn just to prove to myself that I wasn't restricting. Now I'm gonna have a hot chocolate to settle down and call it a day. I felt quite successful today. And after eating myself to death on day 4, it was fresh in my memory and I did NOT want to feel like that again.