Figuring it out - August 15

Trying to figure myself out. The last maybe four days I've struggled with my weight gain and following my hunger cues. It's complicated to think through the reasons why. I think one is that subconsciously I think about going to weight watchers once I feel that I've let my weight go too far out of control. Part of me wants to do what I did on my binge days and eat one more thing the second my stomach makes an inch of room. Part of me wants to eat to not feel satisfied but to completely full so I can prove to myself that I'm allowed. Part of me is upset I've gained weight and wants to punish myself with food. Part of me wants to eat when I'm bored to give myself something to do. I feel like I've been removed from the ie process of eating when hungry and stopping when full and I want to get back to that place instead of eating out of fear of getting fat. It's tough to find the balance but it's there.